The Moberg Family

Category: Miscarriage

  • New Mercies Monday: Laughter

    New Mercies Monday: Laughter

    “Our God does not intend His people to be shipwrecked. However, we would be shipwrecked and lost if we could not be held fast in the hour of temptation…He bought you at too great a price and values you too much to see you broken to pieces on the rocks. Therefore, He has provided a glorious safeguard for you so that when…the trials of the world attack you, hope may be the anchor of your soul, both sure and steadfast. How much we need this anchor!…If you have been sailing on the great waters of life for any length of time, you must be well aware that if it were not for everlasting truths, which continue to hold you securely, your spirit would quickly have been thrown into everlasting darkness long ago, and the proud waters would have gone over your soul long before this. When the mighty waves rose, it must have seemed to you as if your poor boat had gone down to the bottom of the sea, and if it had not been for the unchanging love and immovable faithfulness of God, your heart would have utterly failed. Nevertheless, here you are today, convoyed by grace, provisioned by mercy, steered by heavenly wisdom, and propelled by the spirit’s power. Thanks to the anchor, or rather to the God who gave it to you, no storm has overwhelmed you. Your ship is under way for the port of glory.” ~Finding Peace in Life’s Storms by Charles Spurgeon

    A timely belated birthday present from Erika! (artwork by Brianna)

    He is good, isn’t He?

    Where would I be without this hope, without this anchor for my soul? I would–most certainly–be drowned at the bottom of the sea…my heart would have utterly failed.

    It is incredible to sit down (when I can!) on these Mondays and just stop to look back and remember. Wow. I just sorted through pictures from the last couple of weeks and in the midst of that little project, the Lord has shown me so much that I don’t think I would have seen had I skipped sitting quietly to blog today.

    In the last two weeks, I have felt a seedling sprout in my heart. In faith, I have been confident that the Lord has been tending to a good work in me over the months and years. The digging and tilling and planting has been happening out of sight to the world and even to me…though I could feel it, I couldn’t understand it or see any visible fruit. But this week a sprout was visible–even to me. He is restoring laughter to my spirit and joy to my soul.

    Last week, thanks to the prompting and encouragement from my Step instructor, I sat down to read Habakkuk, a book I haven’t read in too long. She had been encouraging me the night before, quoting verses from Habakkuk and as she was speaking I was finishing the book in my head: “Though there is no fruit on the fig tree and no cattle in the stalls…YET I will rejoice in the Lord…” So I sat down the next day to read through all of it and was so deeply encouraged by Habakkuk’s wrestles…isn’t it amazing when you encounter the very things you have said to God in the book that He wrote for us?? I am not alone.

    Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls– Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The LORD God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills. (Hab 3:17-19)

    Then earlier this week, I got this text message from my dear, sweet friend Shaunna. She wrote, “When I pray for you, I always pray that God would fill you with joy, peace, and comfort. But today I also pray that you will enjoy a deep belly laugh and smile from ear to ear…”

    I smiled, and immediately realized that she had put to words exactly what I could feel God doing in me…restoring joy and laughter. And there was my friend, hand-in-hand with our mighty God, praying it into existence. Who is blessed with friends like this who walk with you in grief while believing God to meet you with joy?? Thank you, Lord…

    Two days later, Elliott had just stepped out into the backyard to play when he came bounding back inside squealing and screeching and shouting, “MOM!!! MOMMM!!!!! MOMMMMMM!!!! COME LOOK!!! OUR FLOWERS ARE SPROUTING!!!!”

    To be honest, I didn’t believe him. We had JUST looked in our flower boxes the day before, and I had JUST explained to our friends who were over that day that I have a black thumb and although I tried SO HARD to grow these perennials for Elliott so they would attract butterflies for him, that I had utterly failed. But I ran outside with him to look and, sure enough…we had four little sprouts!!

    Here’s one!!

    Look at how the Lord weaves every detail of our lives into profound lessons for us. A sprout.

    And a sprout of laughter.

    It can be difficult to accurately portray reality: I never want to embellish or dramatize what’s happening in my heart and our home, and I also want to keep each blog post a blog post, and not a novel (I know, too late!). So I don’t mean to portray that there has been NO joy or laughter in our home, because that’s not true…there has been. Every day we laugh together as a family and my kids laugh together ALL THE TIME, but it has been hard for me to push aside my grief and just let the laughter roll out of my belly like I know it can. It’s been really hard, especially in the day-to-day mundane tasks. If I can distract myself enough to forget, I can find joy and laugh easily. But to find joy when I remember the grief and the loss and the pain? That’s much more difficult. But, it’s sprouting. I am seeing myself laugh WITH the kids all day long instead of just watching them laugh and trying to remember what it feels like to be that carefree. I am finding true joy in the Lord, in the anchor of my soul, in the midst of the grief and the trials and the dreams that feel crushed. And little by little, it’s rolling out of my belly and up through my mouth like a thunderous ball of laughter.

    “…and she laughs at the time to come…” (Prov 31:25)

    Lord, let it be. Grow your joy in my heart and in our home.

    Here are some glimpses of the laughter sprouting in our home in the last couple of weeks…

    New friends, all trying to pile into the clown car together!
    Trader Joe’s. Need I say more? These kids LOVE having their own mini carts. If it looks like they’re racing, it’s because they are ;).
    Peanut Butter nose. This girl can’t eat without getting food all over her face, and it always gives every one of us a little chuckle. I’ve never seen a more adorable freckled peanut butter nose!!
    She also can’t eat without somehow turning her food into a joke, a letter of the alphabet, a vehicle, and animal, or a body part. This might drive another mom crazy, but it makes me laugh every time!! She’s always forcing me to STOP and really take joy in life. Here, her cucumbers were, of course…eyebrows. 🙂
    We introduced Elliott to our new pet, the Penny Horse!!!

    My mighty girl, who never ceases to amaze me with her bravery. Look at how chill she looks up there!! Just sittin’ on top of the playground like it ain’t no thang!!! Ha!!

    Speaking of bravery…my kids did not get the “animal bravery” gene. We have tried to work so hard with them…thankfully, the McCabes have cats and so the kids get to practice being strong and courageous against these fierce incredibly sweet and cuddly felines every time we go over there. However, all progress may have been lost in that arena when Selah was bit by someone else’s cat a couple months ago. Sigh.

    So then, my dear friend Julie was in town!!! Her parents live in Guam about an hour and a half away, so I invited her to spend the night over here. She accepted and asked if she could bring her dog. Yes! It was the perfect way to expose our kids to animals, as Lincoln is a super sweet and well-behaved dog. Julie taught them how to play “hide-and-seek” with her, and they just giggled uncontrollably throughout the entire game. They each hid two treats for Lincoln around our living room and then Lincoln had to find them. The kids thought it was hilarious. Julie also very patiently taught them about Lincoln and let them pet her while in Julie’s arms. AND…they each wanted to take a turn walking her! Now THAT’S progress!!

    Look at those brave kids and that adorable dog!!

    And, I got to spend time with my sweet friend!

    We asked Brian to take a picture of us, and this is what we got at first 🙂

     

    This big man took the longest bike ride he has yet with his daddy to a surprise location: Culver’s! For some yummy custard!
    The kids and I baked this (INCREDIBLE) banana bread last week. I have yet to be successful in teaching the kids to crack eggs without getting them EV.ER.Y.WHERE, but they still beg me to let them crack them. So I consented that day, and Elliott’s egg literally ended up ALL OVER HIM. We all laughed so hard…even Elliott, which is a big deal for my normally hates-to-be-dirty-and-wet son 🙂
    Will selfies with the kids EVER get old???!!! I don’t think it’s possible!!
    This one sure thinks it’s funny!!!!

     

    Thank you, Lord, for another week, for sprouts of joy, and for your new mercies. 

  • Life, Loss and Celebration

    I have always been that person who has wanted to wait until it was “safe” to tell people about our pregnancies. I will tell the very, very closest, those safest to my heart right away, but I will wait to tell the rest. I have called this “my safety zone.” I’ve never been a big fan of grieving while “the masses” looked on and this was my way of making sure I didn’t have to. We’ve always waited until we’ve seen an ultra sound, made sure that baby was in the right place, and made sure there was a heart beating strongly. I know, according to the books, you’re not out of the “danger” window until around 12-13 weeks, but since I get so sick during my pregnancies–and everyone has always told me that as long as you are sick, you KNOW the baby is okay–I have figured we were “safe” once we saw that heartbeat and as long as I was still throwing up. As much as I don’t enjoy vomiting every day, it’s been a comfort to me with each of my pregnancies. With each heave, I take comfort in the “fact” that my baby is growing well.

    One of my initial thoughts after we lost the baby was, “Oh, no…my plan of waiting until it was “safe” didn’t work! We’ve told EVERYONE…Oooooohhhhh noooooooo…..” Total and absolute dread followed at the thought of having to tell the world the terrible news. Shame for celebrating our baby consumed me. And I immediately began changing my “safety zone” in my head: “Next time, I’ll wait until 13 weeks! Oh wait, I have friends who have lost babies even after 13 weeks. That’s still not safe. Okay, I’ll wait until 20 weeks! That will keep me safe! Oh, wait….I have very good friends who have lost babies after 20 weeks. That WON’T keep me safe. I’ve got it! I’ll wait until my due date to tell the world!! Oh…wait…I know that even women who carry babies full term give birth to stillborn babies…”

    I played out various scenarios in my head–like, waiting until my next child’s first birthday to share the news with the world. But I knew, in reality, that even THEN I wouldn’t be “safe.”

    I know I have only one choice that is “safe.” And I know exactly what that choice is…so, daily, I drop my tense shoulders…I let down my walls, I lift up my head, and I let the Lord IN…I set my terrified eyes on HIM. I lock my weeping heart on HIM. Because I know…that in Him, and Him alone, will I find safety…will I find shelter…will I find refuge…in the shadow of His wings, I am safe.

    The Lord has had me on this journey of learning what it means to TRULY rely on Him, and Him alone, for years, but he has had His thumb on this issue very strongly for the last 2 1/2 or so. And I will be honest, I thought I was mostly done. I mean, come on, at least at 90% or so… But my tendency to want to find safety in statistics, in the past, in others’ stories, in science, in ANYTHING other than the Lord has reared its fierce head boldly since we lost our baby.

    When tragedy occurs, we all just want to be safe. We all just want OUT of it. We all just want to have control over SOMETHING that will secure in our hearts and minds that we won’t ever meet tragedy again. I have wanted, desperately, to find something seemingly-safe to cling to. I have wanted to cling to the statistics to assure me that this will never happen again. I have wanted to cling to the fact that I have two of the most incredible children on the planet to assure me that, of course, I will get pregnant again and carry another baby full term. I have wanted to cling to the stories of my friends, who have lost babies and gone on to have more. But even as I have begun to put my hands on each of those “securities,” I knew instantly that my fingers would never be able to take a grip on them. They are too slippery, too unsubstantial, too meaningless. And now, I can’t even hope in my nausea. I won’t even “know” that my baby is okay because I am throwing up. Because that’s not true. Those statistics, those stories, my children…they are all great encouragements to me; they do give me hope to some degree. But they are not MY HOPE. They cannot be the places my eyes are set.

    God holds life in His hands. 

    That’s it. That’s the end of the story. I can focus on my health, I can time whatever I want to, but GOD HOLDS LIFE IN HIS HANDS. 

    I can read, I can plan, I can study, I can take the perfect prenatal vitamins, but it is my GOD who holds my babies’ lives in His hands.

    No king is saved by the multitude of an army; A mighty man is not delivered by great strength. A horse is a vain hope for safety; Neither shall it deliver any by its great strength. Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him, On those who hope in His mercy, To deliver their soul from death, And to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in Him, Because we have trusted in His holy name. Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us, Just as we hope in You. [Psa 33:14-22 NKJV]

    I hope in THE LORD…not the “safety zone” of pregnancies, not the nausea, not the statistics, not the past. My hope, my trust, is in the LORD.

    And so, my perspective has changed entirely. You know, I will never get to have a baby shower to celebrate the life of my third baby. I will never get to plan his or hers first, second, or third birthday party. I had 2 months, once we found out we were pregnant, to celebrate my baby’s life. And you know what? I DID. WE did.

    We rejoiced over our baby’s life!!

    Oh, how we REJOICED over this little one in our family!! And I have no regrets. It was NOT a waste that we celebrated, despite what fear wants to tell me! I am so grateful that we did. I am so grateful for our friends and family who wholeheartedly celebrated with us!! I am so grateful that we took pictures, made a (virtual) announcement, and didn’t withhold our great news until it was “safe.” I am so thankful we didn’t miss out on our short window to celebrate the life of our littlest love. We made A LIFE, and we celebrated that life wholeheartedly. THANK GOD.

    All three of our children :).

    I was a bit taken aback, honestly, by the sympathy that came from “the masses” towards us. I didn’t think I wanted it or needed it, but I was so blessed by the way MANY came around us when they found out we had lost our baby. If you are reading this now, you are probably one of the people who did that, and I want to tell you how grateful I am for your love and your care. We live in hard times, where the lives of babies inside wombs are not valued as they should be, and yet you valued our baby’s life and then grieved with us when that life was gone. Thank you.

    It’s just that I LOVE to celebrate, and I can’t believe I almost let that part of me be stolen. I’m sure I was created to celebrate. Jesus loved to celebrate too, you know! He loved weddings, right??!! 🙂 I love throwing showers, I love finding excuses to make a fun gift for someone, I LOVE IT ALL. And it’s because I love LIFE. I love people, and I love life. It brings ME to life when I get to celebrate others. Weddings are MMYYYY FAAAAVORITE….not because I love details and coordinating colors and themes and parties in and of themselves, but because I love TO TRULY CELEBRATE the fact that two people have chosen to lay their lives down for each other and become one before God and their closest friends!! That is a day to be CELEBRATED!! BIG TIME!!! Does celebration always have to look like a well-planned out party or gift? Oh, of course not. But HOW FUN to go ALL OUT and NOT WITHHOLD A THING to celebrate someone or something like CRAZY. I LOVE to celebrate LIFE.

    I never want to quit celebrating. I never, ever want to quit celebrating LIFE. I never want to celebrate only when it’s “safe.” I want to be wholehearted and, like the woman many of us strive to be like, I so desperately want to “laugh at the days to come” and not fear them (Proverbs 31). It feels ridiculously scary, still, to think about (whenever that day comes) celebrating our next pregnancy boldly. So, so scary. And I have no expectations on us for when the “right time” will be to share. But, I do know this: without faith it is impossible to please Him, and my safety lies in Him…FAITH in HIM. And I want that truth to always drive our celebration, whether we share at 4, 10, 13, or 20 weeks next time.

    Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; But we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They have bowed down and fallen; But we have risen and stand upright. Save, LORD! May the King answer us when we call. [Psa 20:1-9 NKJV]

    WE HOPE, with all our hearts, that we will have another baby one day. But we will not hope in the fact that the statistics say we should or shouldn’t…If God grants us the blessing of another child to care for and raise here on earth, then it is solely by His mercy. Some trust in statistics; But we will remember the name of the LORD our God. We hope in the LORD. And though it feels so scary, I am promised that when I trust in His name, I will NOT be overcome by fear, but instead I will rise and stand upright. Praise be to God!!

    Oh, Lord. Give me the strength, the hope, the faith to celebrate LIFE, even when it feels so scary. Give me the faith to trust solely in You, the One who holds life in His hands. Amen.

     

  • In His Shadow

    In His Shadow

    What do you do?

     

    You stare at the ultra sound tech, who was gentle and quick with the news, and you ask stupid questions over and over, like, “what do you mean there’s no heart beat?”

    When there’s no answer that comes from her mouth, and only several unsatisfying, “I’m sorry’s,” you turn to your husband to explain.

    You look at your husband and ask, over and over again, “how can this be?”

    When he only answers by squeezing your hand tighter and with silent tears that stream down his cheeks, you keep asking, over and over.

    You get off the table when the ultra sound tech leaves you alone and you curl up on his lap and cry hysterically, still asking the same question and shouting, “no, no, no” to no one in particular…but deep down you know you’re talking to God.

    You are moved to the doctor’s room and you wait together, crying and in disbelief.

    The doctor comes in, and with your head buried in your hands and tears puddling on the floor beneath you, you ask, “WHY am I still throwing up? How can this be?”

    You are convinced, when you ask, that she will respond by saying, “What? You’re still throwing up? You’re still so sick? Oh, well, then of COURSE the baby is still alive. There must have been a mistake.”

    But she does not.

    You ask a hundred questions that you’ve had to come up with on the spot.

    And then you leave.

    You hold your husband’s hand and close your eyes over and over again, hoping that if you blink hard enough you’ll wake up from this reality that feels far too unreal to be real.

    And then suddenly, you are grateful. You have never taken your children for granted, you have always known they were miracles, but suddenly, right then, you are more grateful to God than ever before for the two lives he has already given to you to raise and love on this earth.

    Your husband says, “let’s go get our kids and hug them tight,” and you know he is thinking the same thing.

    You somehow drive home, in separate cars, and walk into your familiar, messy house. Everything is the same, just how you left it, yet everything is so different.

    You sit on the couch and tell your 3 year old that we are not going to get to meet the baby in your tummy as we had planned. We will not get to hold the baby or see the baby, the baby will not get to sit in the extra high chair like he talks about every night at dinner. You tell him we will meet the baby in heaven, and when he asks when we get to go there you don’t know what to say.

    He asks a few more questions, that you mostly don’t know how to answer, and then he jumps up and proclaims that he wants to play.

    You are sad that he doesn’t get it, and so grateful that he doesn’t have to.

    You put the kids down for naps.

    You cry. A lot.

    You lay in bed with your husband and cry so hard together that you soon can’t discern whose tears are whose.

    You sleep. Sort of.

    You wake up to the sounds of your two children laughing and playing hard with your husband, and you are so grateful hear the sounds of LIFE flooding your home.

    You fight your nausea and head downstairs to be with your family.

    Your husband hears you and runs to greet you at the bottom of the stairs with red eyes and a kiss.

    You cry a little more in his embrace.

    Your children run to you, and you cling to them with tears streaming down your face.

    You play with them, gratefully.

    You jump and down and shout hooray when your 3 year old puts his poops in the potty.

    And then you turn around and laughter spills from your heart when your daughter puts her big brother’s underwear on her head–again–like a hat.

    And then you cry some more.

    You grieve and grieve and grieve.

    You cry with your husband.

    You cry with your best friends.

    You pick yourself up, get the kids dressed, and go eat sushi.

    You delight in your son using chopsticks for the first time.

    You delight in your daughter who boldly walks up to every stranger in the restaurant and says, “hi!”

    You go to the park.

    You cry on the way.

    You get home, get the kids in bed, and cry with your husband some more.

    You process.

    You pray.

    You grieve.

    You cry.

    You thank God, for the hundredth time that day, that you married a man who values LIFE, and who fights for life.

    And then you thank Him again.

    You take a pill and try to sleep.

    You wake up and you remember…

    You see that your husband is not next to you, and then you hear him…downstairs, in the middle of the night, crying and crying out to God for a miracle.

    You go back to sleep.

    You wake up after fitful sleep and see that it’s morning. Your heart aches, and then you remember why.

    You see that your husband is still not next to you.

    You pray. And pray and pray.

    You think. About everything.

    You wonder…

    You call out to your husband.

    He comes running in the room, with red, red, wet eyes, and proclaims scripture after scripture to you, declaring God’s goodness, declaring hope…all through a broken, broken heart.

    You cry, and thank God again for your husband.

    You thank God for his weakness in this moment, and also his strength.

    You go back to the doctor for another ultra sound…just to see…just to see if God had performed a miracle.

    You see instantly that the miracle was not the kind you had hoped for.

    But you get to see your baby on that screen again, and you love your baby, somehow, even more than the day before and the day before that.

    Your littlest baby…

    You remember that your littlest is in the arms of the One who formed him or her…understanding and experiencing His love more than you ever have.

    And you are grateful. And sad. And grateful. And so, so sad.

    You realize this is all far, far too much for you to understand.

    And so you look up.

    Because what else can you do?

    You look up.

    You are surrounded in darkness, so you look up. And you see Light.

    You look up through your tears, you look up through your grief.

    And when you look up, and see Him, your grief is comforted. Not less, but comforted.

    When you look up, and you know…you KNOW…that this sweet little one will never know pain, will never experience hurt, will never taste sorrow…when you look up and you know THAT…then you can breathe again.

    Because your littlest is in the arms of the Lord. The arms of the Lord.

    You wish with everything in you that your baby was still with you. But when you look up, you are okay. Because the alternative is so rich…you know the alternative is Glory Himself. In the arms of the Lord.

    You wonder how you will put one foot in front of the other. Walk out of the room. Love your family well.

    And then you remember…

    You remember him on your bed,

    you meditate on Him in the night watches.

    Because He has been your help,

    Therefore in the shadow of His wings, you rejoice.

    Your soul follows close behind Him,

    His right hand upholds you… (Psalm 63)

    How quickly you forgot. But at least you remembered…as soon as you looked up.

    Yes, you are in shadow, but you are in the shadow of His wings.

    And so, you rejoice.

    Somehow, in His strength, you rejoice.

    Rejoice in His salvation.

    Rejoice that One died so that we ought never need taste the pain of death.

    You know there has been no eternal death here…no, your baby is with the Lord.

    Your baby has passed into LIFE…life with Life Himself.

    You know there is no eternal death. Only eternal life.

    You believe that His goodness cannot be overcome by darkness.

    You don’t know how in this moment, but YOU KNOW.

    You know you will remind your soul to hope continually,

    and you will praise Him yet more and more. 

    Your mouth shall tell of His righteousness and His salvation all the day,

    for you do not know their limits.

    You will go in the strength of the Lord GOD;

    You will make mention of His righteousness, of His only (Psalm 71).

    Though this feels very much like “the end,” you know it is just the beginning for your littlest one.

    And so, while nestled in the comfort of the shadow of His wings, you look up.

     

    By you I have been upheld from birth;
    You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.
    My praise shall be continually of You.  Ps 71:6

     

    Oh, sweet baby, you are up in heaven now, praising Him with all of your heart, mind and soul. Yet still, our heart will ache for you until the day we can hold you in our arms, alive. Goodbye, our most precious, precious baby…Goodbye for now.